Welcome to InfoImagination's Humor Section: It's the Best Medicine
Week's Top Video
The "Real" George W. Bush on Global Warming
Iraq Update: Who's the Joker?
Georgie Gives a Speech about Saddam
Bill Clinton Returns Home
Hans Blix Finds Illegal Warheads
(MOABs) Mother of All Bums
Best Bumper Stickers of 2007
1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock - Only Dumber
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Jail to the Chief
14. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
15. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap
16. Bad President! No Banana
17. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
18. We're making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them
19. Is It Vietnam Yet?
20. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
21. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We in This Handbasket?
22. You elected him. You Deserve Him.
24. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
25. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
26. One Nation under Clod
27. At Least Nixon had the decency to Resign
George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"
She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.
"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Republicans."
Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.
Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket.
Bush says, "Watch this, Karl -- it's really cute."
They approach the little girl. Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine." Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"
She replies, "Democrats."
Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"
"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US I-95 south, just outside of Washington, DC. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter. They are demanding a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?
"About a gallon."
GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY
DESTROYED BY FLOOD
Crawford, Texas (AP) June 18th, 2007
A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.
The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of his books were kept. Both of the books have been lost.
A presidential spokesperson said the President was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.
Kids Know Best
Bush goes out jogging one morning and, preoccupied with international affairs, fails to notice that a car is heading straight at him. A group of schoolchildren pull the president away just in time, saving his life, and a grateful Bush offers them anything they want in the world as a reward.
"We want a place reserved for us at Arlington Memorial Cemetery," say the children.
"Why is that?" asks Bush.
"Because our parents will kill us if they find out what we've done."
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, super models, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And, the robot says... real slowly... "So.............ya gonna vote for Bush again?"
Nominate Bush for Sainthood
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit a Methodist church outside Washington DC as part of his campaign. Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily:
"George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself on an aircraft carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished!'. He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known.
But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."
Excerpt from a recent News Conference
Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?
A: He really doesn't give a shit how people get out of New Orleans.
Q: What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
A: George W. Bush actually had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims this time and one beautiful blonde."
The guy exclaimed, "A beautiful blonde? Why kill a beautiful blonde?"
Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Muslims!"
Enjoy This Short Comedic Segment
[click image to launch 3.4M Windows Media]
Republicans and Democrats
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me sounds technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the balloonist "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. Now, you're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, it's now MY fault."
Quote of the Day
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the Americas Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war."
Help Uncover Terrorists in America
As part of President Bush's "five point" plan to salvage Iraq, he has also requested that Americans sacrifice at home to assist his international war against terrorism. As we all know, al Qaeda Fundamentalists considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00p.m. Eastern time all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's okay to see other women nude and show support for their fellow sisters. And, since these Islamic Fundamentalists \do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
President George W. Bush and the United States of America appreciate your efforts to root out the evil terrorists, and applaud your participation. God bless America!!!
See Napoleon's Short Video (2.2M)
Redneck Breast Exam
How Men and Women Differ...
What Happens When One Eats Doritos
KIDS-OKAY Tennis Blooper
ADULT-ONLY Tennis Blooper
Why Women Love Fishing
Why Friends Are Important
102 Excuses Every Woman Should Know
Gallant French Soldiers
ADULT-ONLY Men's Fantasy Golf
Don't Be a Chicken: It's Only a Movie!
Going to the Beach? Don't Forget Sunscreen
Michael Jackson's Latest Surgery
Living: Latest from Martha Stewart
You Know You're a Texan...
MP3 (317k) Sinatra, "Stangers On My Flight"
WMV File (5.9M), "Marriage is Crazy"
QTmovie (1.3M), "Co-Existing with Nature"
WMV File (2.2M), Napoleon Dynamite Video
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the back door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car and fell into it. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out the parking lot and started to drive down the street, the police officer, having patiently waited all that time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulling the man over and carried his breathalyzer test with him ...
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyzer must be broken. "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."
The Five Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong! Politicians are the easiest to operate on. They have no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine! Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
A Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his wife, "Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped naked! "Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed! "Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four !!!!"
"WOMON .... What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de fire!"
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you have had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
Sex and Smokers
Two ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him into the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself, and said, "Those little bastards!"
What gender is a computer?
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House" in French, is feminine........"La maison". "Pencil" in French, is masculine...."le crayon".
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables and their pesticides can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
4 Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.
2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and show you a good time.
3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
4. It is important that these three men never meet.
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your Window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???"
"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Stars Without Makeup
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